Cooking with Ed
by Lunar Hikari
Summary: Ed hosts a cooking show! ...Oh the horror... Could be considered Ed/Winry. Rated for language. Cracktastic oneshot.


LH: Well Mo(nonoke) has given me yet another great idea for a fanfic, though only the basic idea for it… anyway…

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. I can't remember who does though… Oh, well! Please don't sue me or I will sic my friend's undead hermit crab army on you! (if she will let me borrow it)

**---At a TV show stage---**

Winry came bounding up from offstage and announced in a peppy, obviously fake, voice, "Welcome, everyone, to another exciting episode of… _Cooking with Ed_! Except it's actually the first episode of this show and sooo…. Yeah… Start the damn show already!" She chucked her wrench of DOOM at Ed who was offstage.

"Ow! Dammit Winry! What the hell was that for?!" Ed yelled as he came on stage.

"Now now Ed, there are children watching this show. Don't go corrupting their minds like you've corrupted… er… someone else's whose name I can't think of…" Winry scolded.

"Whatever. But to start the show the theme for today will be… … … I can't find my script or notecards…" Ed muttered.

"NOTECARDS?! SCRIPT?! Why would you need THOSE?! You're supposed to memorize your lines you IDIOT!" Winry screamed, then chucked the DOOMful wrench at Ed's head again.

Ed, now with several lumps on his head, received a couple sheets of paper from one of the cameramen, turned back to the camera and said, "Well, anyway… Where was I? Oh, well… Let's get started shall we?"

Ed walked over to the counter, "And our first dish for today will be the… MILK CAKE?! NO! NO WAY! NO MILK CAKES! NO!" after calming down a little (and being hit by the wrench of DOOM again) "moving on to the next recipe… chocolate cake… I can handle that…"

Ed went over to the fridge and grabbed a couple eggs, a bowl, and a box. "Ok, first you crack the eggs into this bowl…"

"What the heck?! Who puts the eggs in the bowl first? I mean really, you put them in near the END! The END Ed, the END!" Winry screamed.

"Oh, the show's over already? Ok then, I'll be going now!" Ed said before starting to walk offstage while whistling a tune.

"And where do you think YOU'RE going, Mr. FULLMETAL Chef/Alchemist?" Winry asked menacingly, having grabbed the back of Ed's signature red coat.

"Isn't the show over? You said 'the END' like a billion times after all…"

"I was telling you when you were supposed to put the eggs in!"

"…oooohhhh…."

Ed was dragged back over to the stage by a fuming Winry who took one look at the mysterious box on the counter, gaped, then turned to face Ed, looking shocked.

"You're using a BOX MIX?!?!?!? HOW CAN YOU USE A BOX MIX FOR A COOKING SHOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"It's the only kind of cake I can cook!" Ed yelled in his defense.

"Ugh! Men!" Winry stomped off of the stage.

"Um… Hey wait a minute! You never gave me the box mix back!" Ed yelled pitifully after Winry.

"You're supposed to make everything from scratch to amaze (and confuse) the viewers at home!" Winry screamed, brandishing the wrench of DOOM like a sword.

"U-u-understood…" Ed stammered, "Ma'am!" He saluted after seeing Winry glare at him again.

"O-ok then…" Ed walked back towards the center of the stage where, for some odd reason, a lump of semi-sweet chocolate had magically appeared.

"Huh… well that's lucky… I actually need it this time…" Ed muttered.

"THIS time?" Winry asked, slightly calmer now that she had obliterated the box mix.

"Well it kept showing up during the rehearsals and no matter how many times I transmuted it into brownies it just kept coming back…" Ed answered, confused as to why she cared.

"…So THAT'S where all of those brownies came from…" Winry muttered darkly, then she turned around and chucked the DOOMful wrench at Ed's head… again… lol…

"Ow! Dammit Winry! Stop doing that!" Ed yelled, now with quite a few lumps on his head.

"Oh, Ed? You forgot to tell the viewers what the theme of the day is." Winry informed Ed in a matter of fact way, after chucking the wrench of DOOM at Ed's head again for swearing.

Ed, realizing that this was, in fact, true, started searching wildly for his notecards.

"I burned them Ed."

"WHY?!?!" Ed screamed.

"Because you shouldn't need them. NOW TELL THE THEME DAMMIT!" Winry shouted at the top of her, rather powerful, lungs.

Someone from offstage handed Ed notecards again, and was immediately treated to the special of the day… that's right! The direct to the head delivery of… the wrench of DOOM! XD

Ed started shuffling through the notecards, looking for the one that he needed. After several minutes, it became apparent that that was the only card that had not survived Winry's Pyro rampage.

Ed slowly turned to face Winry.

"Winry…"

"…What?" Winry responded, very confused.

"WHY DOES EVERY RECIPE ON THESE NOTECARDS INCLUDE _**MILK**_?????" Ed yelled at the top of his, far more powerful than Winry's, lungs.

Winry thought about that for a few minutes while Ed seethed in the background, tearing up every notecard that included the word 'milk', then burning the remains.

"Ah! I got it!" Winry hit her fist on top of her hand.

"What???" Ed hissed.

"The theme of the day must be… Milk!" Winry said, with a classic ^-^ expression.

The surroundings around Ed started to steadily grow darker as his rage built, then the background seemed to turn blood-red.

Winry looked at the surroundings, then Ed, "Oh shit." She then ran like heck.

"KKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ed roared as he ran around the studio, destroying everything and trampling any members of the studio audience who were stupid enough to stick around while Ed was in "Just Heard the Word 'Short' Mode"

After Ed had destroyed the entire set (and much of the surrounding three miles) he finally calmed down.

"GGGRRRRROOOOWWWLLL!" Ed's stomach rumbled.

"Aw, man… going on a rampage sure works up an appetite…" Ed suddenly had a great idea about where he could find some food.

Ed walked into the ruins of the set, and up to the miraculously intact counter, where Lo and Behold… Semi-Sweet Chocolate lay in wait!

Ed grabbed the chocolate, shoved it in his face, and then ran like heck, as he had heard a rather horrible sound coming from behind him.

"EEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!" Winry roared.

"BROTHER HOW COULD YOU!!!" Al shouted.

"Heh… I wonder what the ratings were?" Ed wondered as he ran from his homicidal brother and girlfriend.

LH: So, what do you think? It took me awhile to write this… several months to be honest… Lol, procrastination at its best… ^-^ The Semi-Sweet Chocolate thing is a true story, I was watching a cooking show cuz I was bored and the guy kept saying, and now add in the semi-sweet chocolate from before when he had NEVER mentioned it before that!!! :( And yes, all of the DOOMs were necessary. :)

Winry and Al: KILL! XO

Ed: It was just a story! Just a–GAH! Dammit Winry, stop chucking that stupid wrench at my head! DX

Mo: WTF? Luna…. What the hell did you DO???

LH: Well… I was bored… hehe…?

Kari: Well, while Winry and Al are killing Ed (Winry and Al: KILL!) and Mo is killing LH (LH: SPARE ME!!! Take Yaka instead!) I have to deal with this. R&R please. Oi! LH! You CANNOT pass the blame off onto your sister! –runs to assist with killing–


End file.
